Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Never fear, I'll be updating GGV more regularly as soon as I figure out what the hell I have to say.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Who works as a prostitute under the sea?
If you got some cash, and you're in the mood...Who you gonna call?
SEXY FREDDY KREUGER
(I'm torn between:)
"See you in your wet dreams"
"I guess she opted out of the burn victim makeup."
Honorable Mention For Total Hilarity
AMY WINEHOUSE COSTUME
I know, right? Awesome! Right??
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
My grandparents boughta cabin on Deer Lake in St. Croix Falls, WI when I was very, very small. It's at the end of a long dirt road, and surrounded by woods on three sides and the lake on the fourth. The woods are lovely, dark, and deep (god I hate Robert Frost) and my mom used to take me and Kevin on walks when we got restless and squirrelly. When I was 7 or 8, my mom told me that she had made an incredible discovery: the Smurfs lived in our woods! She had seen Smurfsign all over the woods when she had gone up to the main road to get the mail. Did I want to come look for them with her? Fuck yes I did. The Smurfs possess powerful magical abilities. They can move incredibly fast, so fast the human eye can't follow them. However, the only way they can make this amazing escape is to distract their would-be pursuers. So, they instantly freeze upon being sighted, and then leave a shell of themselves behind as a decoy to buy them enough time to speed back to the Smurf village. As Smurfs are incredibly busy creatures with a variety of hobbies and jobs, they are usually seen while performing some sort of task, and therefore the shells they leave behind reflect these activities.But how do you know where to look for a Smurf? After all, there was such a large area to cover. Why, by looking for Smurfsign, of course. Smurfs' skin is actually rather dewy and glossy, and they leave a sticky sweet residue on any and all surfaces that they touch with their bare skin. (They wear shoes, so there's no use looking for tracks.) If you find this sticky, shiny, sweet blue substance, you know there is a Smurf very, very nearby.My mom told me all of this, and I took it for gospel truth. Several times during the many summers to follow, we would go on Smurf hunts, all of them fruitful. I found a Smurf shell in scuba gear in the shallow water of the lake's edge. I found a Smurf shell holding a basket of berries near the raspberry thicket at the end of our lane. I found shells of Smurfs sitting on mushrooms, picking daisies, and shoveling dirt. Each time, I would first follow a short but obvious trail of sticky sweet blue goo to the location of the frozen Smurf's shell.I can't even begin to describe the thrill that would charge through me upon finding a Smurf. The zinging excitement would stay with me for days. I kept them all on my dresser in my room at the cabin, and once we'd returned home, they'd join my other Smurf shells in the collection. I felt like I'd tapped into some kind of deep magic. And how fortuitous that my grandparents had unknowingly purchased a summer home in woods frequented by Smurfs??
Of course,Smurfs aren't real. (Sorry to be so blunt about it, but I've found that brutal honesty is the best way to banish magical-thinking delusions.) The Smurf shells were just plastic figurines my mom bought at a toy store -- and then planted in the woods/water/logpile/mushroom cluster before taking us out on our Smurf hunt. Not to mention the Smurfsign she'd plant along the way -- it was blue gel icing. We'd find it on leaves, or tree trunks, and then lick it off our fingers to confirm that it was real Smurfsign, and it was always as Smurfsign had been described: sweet, sticky, and bright goddammned blue. Fucking ingenious, diabolical woman.She also told us that there was a ring of fairies that lived around the edge of our kitchen and dining room tables, and if we put our elbows on the table, we were unwitting murderers, having crushed the invisible and innocent creatures to death with our poor manners, but that's a whole other story.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Heresy by Nine Inch Nails
A little heavy handed, this song lacks subtlety (particularly the chorus) but it delivers its message well despite all that.
His perfect kingdom of killing, suffering and pain
Demands devotion, atrocities done in his name
Dear God by XTC
One of the first songs I heard that backed up my newfound questioning the very idea of religion. I think I was 12... All thanks to my SteveDad for that one.
I wont believe in heaven and hell.
No saints, no sinners,
No devil as well.
No pearly gates, no thorny crown.
You're always letting us humans down.
The wars you bring, the babes you drown.
Those lost at sea and never found,
And its the same the whole world round.
The hurt I see helps to compound,
That the father, son and holy ghost,
Is just somebody's unholy hoax
Do You Realize?? by Flaming Lips
Okay, so maybe this song isn't *intended to be anti-religion, but I think it can be taken as such. After all, the song is all about living for today and making sure the people in your life know you love them right now...not waiting for some magical afterlife where everything is better because you went to some building and said words near a certain statue/altar/painting/scroll/box/landmark/necklace/etc. It also implies our lives and deaths matter not a whit to the grand scheme of things (ie: the Earth and life itself). Besides, it has science-based lyrics and we all know science is the enemy of religion. *smirk*
Do you realize?
That everyone you know someday will die.
And instead of saying all of your goodbyes
Let them know you realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the god things last
You realize the sun doesn't go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning 'round.
Uhhh...hm. Well, shit. Uh...yeah.
Dammit, I totally had a few more in mind and I'm drawing a blank. If I remember them, I'll edit this post and add them to this sad excuse for a list. If you can think of good examples, Dear Readers, please comment and tell me and I will add your song and comments about said song to my list.
Friday, May 1, 2009
They did a quick diagnostic, came back telling me that she most likely does indeed have adrenal disease and that she is indeed seizing. Treatment of adrenal disease requires surgery, after which there's no guarantee she'd get better or even not get worse. She'd be in pain afterward, too. Basically, she has no chance for a meaningful recovery and so I decided not to be selfish and to let her go when it was clearly in her best interest at this time.
I don't view myself as my pets' "Mom." I find that really idiotic. Rather, I consider my pets to be like retarded family members for whom I have power of attorney; I am also their caregiver. So I always feel that I have to put the best interests of my beloved pet over my own best interests (for example: I would never refuse medical care for my pet because it was expensive if said treatment could result in a meaningful recovery). I know I did the right thing, but I'm so fucking sad about it. I've been crying for 2 straight hours at this point.
And yet, here is this tiny baby kitten sleeping on my chest as I type this. A new life, full of promise and beginnings and firsts. I hate to sound like some filthy hippie, but it is a serendipitous coincidence that my oldest pet died 4 days after we brought home the youngest one. Circle of life and all that, très whatever.
I'll be okay, so don't worry about me. I just miss her so much already, and my heart is breaking for Violet, who is still sleeping and will awaken to find the ferret with whom she has lived her entire fucking life has disappeared and that I have no way of explaining it to her. *misery*